God Speaking in my Weakness

Lachie Bartlett sm

I am a recently professed Marist from Christchurch who studied an LLB at the University of Canterbury and loves to read, play every sport under the sun and spend time with my family.

Probably.

That was the word that I struggled with the most during my speech rehabilitation growing up. I am profoundly deaf and received my cochlear implant at the age of eight. My mum and dad, my brother and sister worked tirelessly with me at home. Whether it was learning sign language together or helping me to master words like probably… they were there for me. I have only ever once used my deafness as an excuse and following an encounter with Mum, (that may or may not have involved a wooden spoon) I will never do it again. Their love empowered me to discover that my deafness is a gift from God.

Throughout the Ignatian Spiritual Exercises during my Novitiate, I became increasingly aware of my weaknesses, and my brokenness. This awareness was painfully confronting because it betrayed the narrative, I so often tell myself even now, the narratives of perfection and personal expectations. A narrative that is frankly exhausting. Only when I began to reluctantly strip away these façades did I become so acutely aware of how weak I am. I love my deafness. But because it was a gift from God, for so long I only ever accepted it as a strength, as a perfection. I only ever accepted God’s gift on my terms.

But after immersing myself in Jesus’ encounter with the deaf and mute man I discovered something. Yes, God speaks to me through the people and events of my life, but he also speaks to me through my weaknesses. Especially my deafness. It took me nearly 26 years to begin to surrender the exhausting narrative of only accepting my deafness as a strength. To finally become aware of one of my many weaknesses. And in doing so I have come to love my deafness and my other weaknesses a little bit more. I can finally begin to embrace them on God’s terms and not mine. Ironically, it is when I am deaf, and grateful with this gift, this strength and weakness of mine, that I can hear him that little bit clearer and louder.

A broken ear does listen to a broken world, and how beautiful does it sound!

So now every time I say the word ‘probably’, I smile to myself. I smile at being reminded of God’s gift to me, a gift I often take for granted, a strength that drives me, but most importantly a weakness that I am finally learning to love. My deafness is a stunning gift from God, one of my greatest strengths, and in those ever-increasing moments, also probably one of my greatest weaknesses. And God, thank you for that.