I Do Not Make Myself

Gabriel Santos

I live in the Philillines, on Cebu Island. I am a father of two girls and have been married for ten years. I was a fulltime copy-editor and become a freelance when the children arrived to support them and my wife's work as a doctor.

Last May my freelance work ceased against my decidion.

This worried me. Now my wife works to earn for the family whereas in the past what small money I earned was used to cover at least one bill to pay.

This turn of event was really vertiginous, since what I planned was for me to double me hardwork to pat for kindergarten, get a modest education insurance for both children, help on the additional miscellaneous bills, continue paying the hous rental, and even have a short, simple vaction. All of this in the context that professionally, I will not be left behind and my skill will continue to be honed so that when the time comes for me to return to full-time work, it will not be difficult for me to fit back into the work place.

Recently, I shared this circumstance with a friend. Our conversation was a place where Christ happens to me again since it reminded me of what Paul in the New Testament says: to not be conformed to this age, but be transformed by the renewing of my mind, and to hope against hope!

Thankfully, this experience of Christ does not happen for me in a moralistic way because I am truly glad to know that in this situation Christ frees me from the worry and anxiety of not achieving what I aspire to be and to have right here right now!

There is always tomorrow. Even more, Christ is inside my present situation now as it is opening up an opportunity for me to help my wide more in her work and to look after the children with much attention and love.

And significantly, in this small personal event of Christ, I recall with gratitude a text from someone who reawakened my desire for fulfilment and live my life with gratitude: 'At this moment, if I am attentive, that is, if I am mature, then I cannot deny that the greatest and most profound evidence is that I do not make myslef, I am not making myself. I do not give myself being, or the reality which I am. I am 'given'. This is the moment of maturity when I discover myself to be dependent upon something else.' (Luigi Giussani)

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