Kahupo - Te Ao Marama

Rawiri Morunga

I am of Māori descent my Iwi (tribe) are Nga Puhi and Ngāti Kahu from the Far North of Aotearoa, New Zealand.

I lived in Te Po (darkness) growing up and after many years I became spiritually, morally and emotionally broken. The Holy Spirit slowly guided me back to Te Ao Mārama (the world of light, enlightenment and understanding. My korero (story) is a part of my lived experience a journey of fear survival, anger, self-hatred, addiction, brokenness and ultimately to experiencing the aroha (love), of God, Whanau (family), and living free from addiction.

There was a time when I didn’t like God. God was just another person that had let me down. I now understand as a father and popa that my father and mother did the best they could after understanding and considering their own life experiences. Today there is no anger or blame for what I experienced in my early years. They are experience that are part of me now. They have guided me and driven me, unwilling at times however, they have led me towards mahi in the area of manaakitanga of people (caring for people). I have the ability or gift to see and feel the maemae (hurt) that sits deep within people I understand it in relation to my own life experience. Today I know God’s hand has been present in my life’s journey. I am here today working in the manaakitanga of people. I have fought against this reality many times however I keep ending up here.

As a child growing up, I did believe in God. However, I wondered where he was - I believed he had abandoned me. I became disillusioned by God the big almighty that was meant to care and look after kids, I decided through anger that I would never bow down to God.

My home life was turbulent, I would describe it as a delicate process of always walking on egg shells and making every effort for the crunching of the shells to not be heard. I lived with huge anxiety as everyday was unpredictable. I always felt a constant fear and, more often than not, dread. There was one day a week that gave a reprieve to the normally charged atmosphere that was rugby day - Saturdays. Rugby for me was the closest thing I got to the feeling of spirituality. It was a game that allowed me to be a normal kid. While I was playing I was free of all the emotions, worries and heart ache that I had forced deep inside. I was able to let some of the deep emotion out playing the game.

I learnt how to survive my home life the best I could as a child. I protected myself by pushing my soul and heart as deep and as possible to stop myself from being broken. Survival also meant knowing how and when to fade back into the background to not bring attention to yourself. I developed a heighten sense of reading body language picking up on any subtle danger signs or the slightest of changes in the Mauri or energy in the room.

At the age of eleven, I discovered cannabis and from the first moment it gave me a sense of peace and joy just for a moment, just like playing rugby. It calmed my anxiety and my fears. It didn’t take long before I was using as much and as often as I could. It was only natural that I progressed to full-on addicted to both alcohol and drugs. I was in addiction for the next 11 years.

At the age of fourteen I was living on the streets still in addiction and there were numerous times I could have died - but at the time it was just another day. I do remember asking God to watch over me on occasion when a situation became really bad. At the time I could see God’s hand helped me. It was the first time I felt God next to me. Looking back, I wasn’t ready to hold God up as my saviour as I still held huge resentments.

Skipping a few years, I am 24 and by that time my addiction was getting the best of me, and I was not living on the right side of the law. The drugs and alcohol were not able to keep the deep anger down like it had. More and more it was rising to the surface mixed with shame and guilt. I was a ticking time bomb. Addiction is brutal and takes a lot from you personally and morally.

I attended an Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) meeting for the first time. If you know the history of AA you would understand when I say that the AA programme has been inspired by God, it is a God-given and it saved my life. I began to heal, and I slowly found a way to forgive God and the people that I felt had let me down. The programme and steps showed me how to have a relationship with God and I started to see that God had been there with me my entire life and had not abandoned me. This Mārama (enlightening) moment was profound. Crying was not a thing to do as you could never show weakness or vulnerability, however I think I shed a few tears in that moment.

The journey of faith and recovery wasn’t a straightforward one. God had to remind me time and time again. I had a number of experiences that left me with no doubt of the presence and love of God.

One of these experiences: I wasn’t a Catholic at the time however I ended up in a Catholic church not knowing anything about the church or the Catholic faith. I was trying to find a little moment of peace as I was struggling with wanting to die. I was sitting in the church, I looked up at a statue of Mary and she smiled at me it was as plain as day. In that moment an over whelming peace flowed over me and tears flowed out of me for some time. A year later I had become a Catholic.

God has shown me endless blessings. He has given me the courage to forgive and to experience deep aroha (love) and compassion for others.

AA saved my life and continues to help me in living life on life’s terms.

I never wrote about my Māoritanga however it is an important part of me and my journey with God.

My wife and whanau have helped me understand how to love and how to receive love - they are my heart.

My faith and prayer is what provides hope, strength and peace in my everyday life.

I see my life experiences now not as a burden to carry but as a gift that God has guided me to understand. The loving power of God is with me whenever I am helping people and whanau who are suffering.